Archive | March, 2013

So there’s this chick, right

20 Mar

And I’ve known her since we were in the 7th grade although we never really talked that year. She was new to my class, since everybody in that class was part of a program that kept most kids in the same classes together. Anyway, she quickly became very popular because her personality was just so…LOUD. 

She also had a big butt.

During 7th grade, she had a lot of friends until one day she didn’t. I asked one of her former friends why everyone had stopped talking to her, and he told me that she kept stealing all her girlfriends boyfriend’s. 

She made new friends with some guys in the class, and they were my friends too. During the last two weeks of 7th grade, we became friends, and then we spent the summer doing whatever the hell 7th graders do during the summer. I’m sure my summer was spent on myspace. 

When we went back to 8th grade, we continued our friendship and we became very close. She began calling me her best friend. I don’t really remember exactly how we spent our time, but it was a lot of her chasing around boys and me tagging along for the ride. I really enjoyed her company, and she always acted like she enjoyed mine and we got along really well until she decided to go back to the friends that ditched her in 7th grade. 

She became very cold with me and ultimately told me that she didn’t want to hang out with me because I seemed uncomfortable with her new friends since I didn’t really belong with them.

Ouch.

I had other friends, so I didn’t stay sad for long. I think. No, I was devastated. I don’t really remember, but I do know that I had lots of amazing friends, which I have the honor of still calling my friends to this day.

 

A few weeks, or maybe months passed and she sent me a yahoo IM saying sorry and the following day at school, she showed me something Harry Potter related and we were once again BFF’s.

That’s how we spent the rest of Middle School, and then we went to the same High School and were still very close, but she got a new friend who was equally as boy crazy as she was. I liked her, and the three of us spent most of our lunches together. 

Summer came, and she didn’t try to hang out with me, but her new friend went to her house everyday because she needed someplace to wait for her parents to pick her up when they got out of work. 

They became closer, and I began hearing rumors that my name was starting to get a bad reputation because of my affiliation with them. They called me a “whore in training”. 

One of my friends said that I will never get a boyfriend because they will always steal them from me. 

For some reason, that was bad to me and I didn’t look for their company anymore. They got closer and closer, and I continued with my other friends. 

Then, I got a boyfriend.

This kid was nice, but he wasn’t cute. He was funny, but he wasn’t smart. He liked me, but not enough to hide his interest in everything with a skirt. 

My dear former friend has always gotten a lot of attention from guys. Almost every guy in the school knew her, and they all admitted at one point to like her, because she made it easy for them to like her.

Well, my stupid boyfriend decided he wanted to find out more about her so they became friends. Then they became good friends. Then, they started having conversations about sex and their insecurities and all that good shit behind my back.

I lost it. I was so mad at both of them, but I naively tried to push it back from my mind. 

Since that day, I have been jealous of the chick I used to call my best friend.

When she had a facebook, everything she would post would get like 100 likes and I was jealous. 

When she lost weight and fit into size 1 jeans, I was jealous.

Anything that she does that gets more attention that whatever I do is enough to make me jealous, so jealous that I often forget that a lot of the attention she gets is negative, and that almost every single person who was her friend at one point now hates her for valid reasons.

She admitted to being jealous of me too.

Thing is, during High School, I also became very close with the girl she became best friends with. When we graduated, we began hanging out even more and she stopped talking to my frienemy because “she is such a BITCH. She has a pretty face, but she is an ugly person. She has a nasty personality”.

 

She went MIA for a year(and by MIA i mean she got rid of her twitter, facebook, tumblr, and instagram), and now she is back on Instagram, rocking her skinny body that she probably purged her way to get (because thats how she lost weight the first time). 

She is back trying to get into the good graces of all my friends by complimenting their pictures and making plans to see them.

 

She is going after all of MY friends. She likes to do that. This is very much my paranoia talking, but I always suspected that she wanted to steal my friends and she has gotten close to some of them before, but they all love me so we stay as close while I ignore that fact that she is trying to get them to like her more. She usually gives up and moves on to other friends (that are also mine).

 

I am very jealous of her. She is really pretty. She is now skinny. She gets a lot of attention. She is doing great in school while I am contemplating whether or not I should kill myself every other night after I spend a night at the gym and looking at my failing grades. 

 

 

My main problem here is that I don’t know if I hate her as much as I think I do or if I really just want to be her friend again.

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Who gave you reason?

11 Mar

A guy told me he liked me this weekend. 

Well, he told me a few times. The first was through text messaging, and the second was through a voicemail at 5:30 AM. And then another text message.

I have no clue what to do. 

I never know what to do when I someone “likes” me. I’m 19 years old and I still act like I’m running away from cooties.

My friends use things like this to say that I have no right to complain about being lonely when I do get asked out, but I just don’t want to go out with these guys.

I feel weird, I do not want to lead them on at all, but at the same time, I don’t want to lose their company.

 

I always get a bit offended when they start to like me. 

I never see why they do. This could have something to do with self-esteem issues. I guess I do have some good qualities in me, but when I feel like I haven’t given someone reason to like me(meaning that I haven’t been chasing them around), I feel like they just like the idea of me, or just the fact that I act kind towards them.

When they become dramatic and say how they think I’m great, I wish to say “Hold on a minute, why do you like me? Do you know me at all? I’m not that cool, or fun, or anything too special! I like some weird things, and you don’t know me well enough to like me.”

 

Oh I’m awful. 

 

I wish I can just go out on a date, but the thought of having a bad time while I’m there scares me. 

 

What also scares me is the possibility of liking someone back. I don’t want to deal with those emotions anymore. Maybe one day, but after a nightmare of a teenage romance that I had, it makes everything scarier and not worth it. 

I know I won’t feel that way forever, but I am more than comfortable feeling like love is a waste of time right now.

This has been my plan all along.

8 Mar

Ever since I first saw Marilyn Manson’s “Tainted Love” video back when I was like 8, I have been super attracted to the whole dark look.

I loved how the chicks in their were rocking black lipstick and chokers, and fishnets. 

I always wanted to grow up and be “Goth”

Sadly, by the time I got to High School, that movement had died down, and I wasn’t allowed to wear makeup anyway, so I couldn’t do much to try and look like that. 

Also, depending on my parents for clothing means that if they refuse to buy me something, then I’m not getting it.

 

I’m 19 now and have a part time job. I have bought so many lipsticks since I was 15, and now that I have extra cash, I can buy any outfit I want,

Lately, I have been wearing a lot of black. 

 

I probably won’t achieve that super goth look that I want, but thats fine.

I’ve been in college for almost two years and have only seen a handful of people wearing all black or anything too “rock”.

That’s fine, but its a bit sad.

 

Anyway, I’m getting closer to wearing that black lipstick, and though I occasionally get a few bad stares from people regarding what I wear, I feel happy and pretty in those outfits.

 

I’m going to keep dressing how I want, and I am going to feel damn good about it.