Archive | May, 2013

I need to stop with the drugs

31 May

So, I’ve experimented a teensy bit with drugs. I’ve smoked weed from just about every possible way ever. I’m not even a big fan of getting high, but I have some friends who take it very seriously. I don’t fall in to peer pressure, when I say no, I won’t budge, but something about smoking out of a strawberry or a bong completely made of ice is too alluring to pass up. I guess I enjoy the novelty of it.

Besides marijuana, I don’t really do too much else. I tried half a pill of ecstasy at a rave once, but I’m not sure if it did anything because I was right in front of the dj and the heat of the people plus the pressure from the music was enough to make me feel amazing.

A few months ago, I tried mushrooms. I was really scared because I’ve seen people have bad trips, but fortunately, I really enjoyed it! I didn’t take enough to hallucinate, but I didn’t mind. It was a pretty great first time.

Another drug that I am taking is Prozac. Well, that’s for depression, and it seems to be working, but I still can’t concentrate on my school work, so my friend suggested I take adderall. He supplied me with some imitation of the drug, and nothing.
I took another brand, that is also generic adderall and I can’t concentrate on homework, but I am feeling extremely chatty and needy. I’m also at the gym at midnight.

Anyway, I don’t want to rely on an ADHD drug to study, especially since I don’t even have ADHD.

I’m becoming very comfortable with trying new things, like Zzquil and anxiety pills. I don’t like that.

Though I can’t promise to never do a hallucinogen (I really want to do shrooms again and try acid), I am going to steer clear from all these anxiety drugs and shit like cocaine.
I should be fine, its just scary to think that I actually wanted to try these drugs out.

I’m going to take this seriously, and just stop being so curious and more cautious before I end up with a problem.

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Navel

27 May

Navel

I just got my belly pierced, I just got my belly pierced, I just got my navel pierced, YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH!

Super happy with my lower navel piercing.
I have been wanting it for a few years, and it feels awesome to have done it legally and professionally. Love Love Love

From that nightmare, I wake to guilt.

16 May

II hate my nightmares. They are hardly ever “monster” related nightmares, they always involve me in a very realistic situation surrounded by people I know, love and even hate.

Two days ago, a friend called me to tell me about how a former friend of mine (the one I’ve bitched about in another blog) woke up the day after a bunch of us went out in a party bus in a strangers car. Naked and alone. She had lost her phone and had to walk home.

Now, I really don’t like this girl, but at one point, she was my friend. When he told me that, all I wanted to do is run to her and give her a hug, but I’m not supposed to know anything, so that complicates things a little.

 

My friend played it off as she got “too rachet”. He made it seem like it was just another one of her crazy party nights, and apparently, in her mind, that’s all that it was. Just a really crazy night.

There is no doubt in my mind that this girl was raped. 

How can I help her?

This isn’t the first time this has happened to her. I remember when we were 14 year old 9th graders, she told me about how one of her “friends” forced himself on her. 

Anyway, my dream last night gave me a very clear realization that 3 of my friends experienced sex for the first time through rape.

 

Those friends have been very promiscuous and while, I think that that doesn’t have to be a bad thing, the fact that they are often crying to me about how much they regret their actions, or judging themselves harshly reminds me that they aren’t having sex with these kids and coming out of it feeling empowered.

 

I don’t know what to do right now.

I’ve known these girls since we were little, and I have known what they have gone through for years, but not until this morning did I realize the seriousness of it.

I feel guilty. I feel like I should have done more to help them when they first told me what they went through.

 

Now, I want to help them and erase all their inner wounds, but how do I even bring it up again when they refuse to talk about it and accept that what they went through, being forced into having sex, classify’s them as being victims of rape? 

 

 

I just want to help my friends, but I don’t know how.

Who would have thought that a condom could cause so much trouble.

11 May

I went with a few friends tonight. I don’t really go out with this group, I usually just see them in random places, but they invited me out and I figured it would be fun since I like them all.

 

There’s a couple in the group. 

We were walking in to a restaurant when the guy pulls something out of his pocket and did not notice a condom falling out. I thought it was funny so I gave the condom to his girlfriend and kept walking. An hour later, the guy gets up and says he is going to go to the bathroom.

30 minutes pass and after he ignored countless phone calls, the waitress tells us that he had already paid the bill and left.

 

Apparently, the girl in the relationship always has condoms. She began wondering why he would have the need to carry his own condoms. She assumed he was using them for someone else.

This created a quiet fight between them and he decided to leave without telling anybody. He walked like 3 miles to his house, which isn’t too much, but at midnight, it might not be the smartest thing.

 

The girlfriend was super mad and we all left in separate cars to try and find him.

Somehow he made it home, but he won’t open the door for anyone.

 

I have never witnessed a boyfriend act so dramatic.

The fact that he paid what would have most likely been a $60 bill and leaving without letting anyone know is amazing.

 

I don’t think he was in the wrong to carry a condom. I can also get why she would get suspicious, but I understand that thats very paranoid. 

 

 

 

Sucks because everyone was having a good time when we left to look for him.

If I could I would

10 May

There are so many cute boys in college and here I am, not having sex with any of them.

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Optimism is buy…

7 May

Optimism is buying cute panties even when I’m single as fuck.

I just want to be as smart as everyone thinks I am.

4 May

Maybe this the depression talking, but I don’t think I’m smart anymore. I honestly never felt smart, I just knew how to get good grades.

There is a difference.

 

 

I am now on Academic Probation. My parents read the letter before I did(even thought it was addressed to me) and holy shit are they mad. My dad keeps repeating that I’m so smart, that this shouldn’t be happening to me because he knows I’m smart. Everyone who knows me says that I am smart but i don’t see it or feel it at all.

I feel like such a failure. I hate this. Why can’t I be smart like that think I am?