Archive | December, 2013

treats

24 Dec

Holidays, christmas,

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yeah didnt think id be here

23 Dec

it really did suck

19 Dec

When I had a boyfriend a few years ago, I had to hide it from my parents.

They did find out a couple of times and they did the whole yell at me thing and threaten to send me away and all that bullshit, but still, I didn’t care and continued on having a boyfriend behind their backs.

 

I did a lot of lying and sneaking around. I used my friends as alibis and yada yada.

I wish it hadnt been that way, but not because I cared about the relationship so much, but because I had to hide all the feelings that I had while going through that.

 

Whenever I had a really shitty fight over jealousy with the guy I was dating, I had to go to the restroom and cry silently in my shower to make sure my parents didn’t hear me.

 

I had to cry into my pillow and try to make as little noise as possible, when I really could have used a big hug.

 

I even faked having a falling out with my best friend because my dad walked in on me with tears running down my face once. 

 

When I broke up with the kid, I felt shitty.

I really wish they would have given me pep talks and advice and all that shit.

Instead, I had to go one about my business and pretend nothing happened.

 

 

 

Right now I’m 20 years old and I have no idea what I would do if I were to start dating someone.

I don’t know if the guy would be allowed to pick me up from my house, or if I still have to lie about who I’m hanging out with.

I wish I could have a girl talk with my mother.

I wish they could give me the “it’s their loss if they don’t like you back” kind of encouragements.

 

I wish I was allowed to have these kinds of feelings around them.

 

I feel like I’m not allowed to be a normal girl.

I feel like I’m not allowed to blush if a boy calls me pretty or even get excited around them when a boy calls.

 

I wish they would be able to cheer me up right now that I’m trying my best to have a positive outlook on this whole dating thing and give me some advice on how to get the cuties attention. 

 

Instead, here I am. Doing everything wrong and feeling pathetic about it.

 

 

and it fucking blows.

Key word is try

6 Dec

I am so scared of this boy.

I really want to talk to him. I really want to hang out with him. 

 

I don’t even know if he is at all attracted to me. 

I am trying not to let my insecurity get in the way of this whole thing, and I know that I need to be brave and just tell him that I think he’s the bee’s knees but again, I’m terrified.

 

I am going to try to not text him. I do want to. Just to see if he’ll answer.

No. I want him to answer.

I’m so annoying. Maybe I’m not, but I feel like I am.

 

He would text me if he wanted.

Sadly I always reply.

 

I won’t text him unless I can see him. 

Okay, I’m going to try not to text him unless I can actually see him.

 

Yeah. 

 

Fuck