Whoring out myself without the sex

1 Jan

I’ve been on Craigslist looking for odd jobs.

I have been looking forward to turning 21 for a while because I really want to donate my eggs for money.
I’m not wealthy, so I’d do many things for money.

Many thing as I’m very much willing to take part in science experiments for compensation.

Thing is, I’m clinically depressed and take meds to treat it.

SOOOO I’m not drug free.
I can’t apply for anything!
Just about every study asks for healthy, drug free females.
And apparently, in order to be a surrogate in the U.S., you have had to had at least one kid already.
WHYYY

USE MY BODY!
I have no need of it.

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You’re still ugly

30 Dec

okay im sad. Im like really confused while listening to former Mexican Sensation RBD.

“Bobby is doing good”
looks away
“he has a job and he’s always with his lady”
face burns

No wonder he hasn’t bothered me in a while.
“Yeah, his dick is occupied”

I knew he had a girlfriend
And I don’t think it’s jealousy. I don’t think its envy.
I dont know what it is

It’s like half of me is kind of hoping that he stays faithful and shown growth with his new relationship
but the other part wants him desperately to cheat on her like he cheated on me

Because I don’t think I deserved that
and maybe he likes her more than he ever liked me, which is why he won’t cheat on her.

But I was pretty.
And smart.

and maybe that girl is too, but he cheated on me.

he treated me like shit behind my back

I don’t like him and I kind of want him to be miserable because im miserable and im ugly and fucked up and I dont think im smart anymore and I hate it.

and the boy who made me hate myself every night is happy

the boy who made me cry because he chose to hang out with other girls is happy

and im not.

and i want to be happy

and i want to be pretty
and i want to turn back the clock and beg my fifteen year old self to not waste my time with him

I want to tell my fifteen year old self that I could do better.

but if i can do better, then why was i the one who got fucked up

I guess he has lived through enough misery for him to get some happiness. because his life really sucked.

but i tried to make him happy and i wasn’t good enough for that because he used me.

and i am so happy i got rid of his awful company but why didn’t he like me

and is he going to be kind to his new girlfriend?

is he going to regret how he treated me?

i hope i still pop up in his nightmares like he does in mine.

but he had such an awful life.

why can’t i be happy that he is finally doing good?

because he embarassed me but im a good person, I should be happy he has moved on.

but i haven’t.

I still think about him every day and it drives me insane.

im still so attached to every negative feeling he made me feel.

I can’t turn it off and i really want to

and he took every ounce of self esteem i ever had when i broke up with him

that isn’t fair

I don’t even know what I’m writing about,

16 Mar

Two final papers.

One is due tomorrow.

The other, on Friday.

 

I did nothing for these two classes, so i HAVE to get a decent grade on these papers.

 

Instead, I’m going to go to sleep.

I’ll take adderall tomorrow. 

It’s not going to work, but maybe I’ll get a placebo effect or something.

 

Why am I not smarter?

Don’t Touch me

25 Feb

The first time it happened was when I was 16. 

I was hanging out with my then boyfriend behind a library. We were making out and doing that sort of nonsense teenagers do when they’re out in public when I said something about meat I think.

 

He then got his hand and cupped my butt and squeezed, saying some bullshit about being “piece of grade A meant”

I laughed it off, but I didn’t forget about it.

It bothered me. 

No, my butt wasn’t his. My body is my body, and I don’t care if I was making out with him before, he has no right to touch my backside and claim it as his own.

It made me feel dirty.

 

A few years later, I was a large party. I was walking around with a really tight red dress, trying to look for lord knows who. I was completely sober at this party and I pass by a group of guys.

As I’m walking by, I feel one of their hands grab my butt.

I turn around, and I have no idea what just happened, but they’re laughing. Their laughing at me.

I get the sudden urge to punch them, but I had no idea which one of those foul boys did it. I give them a mad glare and walk away.

 

A year after, I’m at a party bus, and I’m dancing and what not when the same thing happens. Someone touches me, and again, I want to throw my first at somebody’s face, but there are too many people to tell which one disrespected me in that way. I move to the other side of the bus.

A few months pass, and I’m in a class. We’re taking a group picture and all of a sudden, I feel a smack on my backside and hear some snickers. I turn around and the guy in back of me panics and explains how it was his hand, but the guy in back of him did the movement. I see the guy he was talking about and surely enough, he admits to doing that as a joke. I laugh this one off, because I too think it was funny.

 

This past Saturday, I went to a kickback. One of my friends got super drunk, as he always does, and grabbed my butt while he was standing next to me.

This time I do react. I hit him in the chest and start repeating “You can’t do that. Please dont do that. that’s not okay”

I’m yelling and his less drunk friend asks me whats wrong and I tell him. I think he can tell that I’m freaking out, since he pulls him aside and tells him to calm down.

 

I tell one of my girlfriend and she acts like its not a big deal. “Yeah, thats how he is when he’s drunk.”

 

No, not with me.

I feel so violated when that shit happens. 

I feel so dirty and disrespected. I don’t get why anybody would make a girl feel so cheap like that, and I never thought I had to expect that kind of behavior from people I consider a friend.

That’s not okay.

I’m going to rant

22 Feb
One thing that really bothers me…

I’m going to complain about my love life a bit.

I have this thing where I like to whine about how I don’t like anyone and I’m not interested in anyone.

Whenever I do that, my friends are always quick to tell me that there are people that “like” me, but I have to give them a chance. 

I don’t think thats fair though.

I don’t think that because someone finds interest in me, that I HAVE to show interest back.

I like to do the chasing (which might be why I have little luck in the dating department). I don’t want to go out with someone just because they asked me out.

I want to be genuinly interested in them. I want to care about what they are going to day, and be comfortable enough that I won’t have to worry about yawning in the middle of a conversation.

I don’t know. I feel like people mistake my single status for desperateness.

I’m not saying there is anything wrong with the guys that like me, I just don’t feel like I owe them anything for doing so.

I’ve been called too picky, but really, I’m not. 

I think that wanting to go out with someone I am actually attracted too is not too much to ask, that’s all.

hy

26 Jan
Image

hhhheeyyyyy

26 Jan