Tag Archives: awkward

What is worse

7 May

I allowed a nasty boy use his cigarette stained fingers to enter me just because he had done it before.

His breath smelled bad and I was not into it.

I locked myself in the bathroom until he finally stopped telling me to come out.

His excuse the next morning was that he was super fucked up and that it was his bad.

The only thing going through my head was that I felt insulted he needed to be drunk to want to touch me, even though drunk me is the only me that wants him.

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Haiku about Every Boy I’ve Kissed So Far

24 Mar

 

1) You were a dare but

I still smile when I think of

you. We were thirteen.

 

2) I kissed you just to

fit in with the cool girls and

because you were nice.

 

3) I’m pretty sure I

loved your skateboard more than I

could ever like you.

 

4) You drained my color

I’m getting it back by bits.

You are an asshole.

 

5) I will never be

into guys with Jordans. You’re

a funny friend though.

 

6) I only let you

kiss me because I thought then

you would  disappear .

 

7) I was happy to

be another conquest of

your thick loud accent.

8)You looked like a god

too bad you fucked like a slob

take my number though

 

9)I was lonely when

you said “please stay”. Then you shut

the door on my face.

You’re still ugly

30 Dec

okay im sad. Im like really confused while listening to former Mexican Sensation RBD.

“Bobby is doing good”
looks away
“he has a job and he’s always with his lady”
face burns

No wonder he hasn’t bothered me in a while.
“Yeah, his dick is occupied”

I knew he had a girlfriend
And I don’t think it’s jealousy. I don’t think its envy.
I dont know what it is

It’s like half of me is kind of hoping that he stays faithful and shown growth with his new relationship
but the other part wants him desperately to cheat on her like he cheated on me

Because I don’t think I deserved that
and maybe he likes her more than he ever liked me, which is why he won’t cheat on her.

But I was pretty.
And smart.

and maybe that girl is too, but he cheated on me.

he treated me like shit behind my back

I don’t like him and I kind of want him to be miserable because im miserable and im ugly and fucked up and I dont think im smart anymore and I hate it.

and the boy who made me hate myself every night is happy

the boy who made me cry because he chose to hang out with other girls is happy

and im not.

and i want to be happy

and i want to be pretty
and i want to turn back the clock and beg my fifteen year old self to not waste my time with him

I want to tell my fifteen year old self that I could do better.

but if i can do better, then why was i the one who got fucked up

I guess he has lived through enough misery for him to get some happiness. because his life really sucked.

but i tried to make him happy and i wasn’t good enough for that because he used me.

and i am so happy i got rid of his awful company but why didn’t he like me

and is he going to be kind to his new girlfriend?

is he going to regret how he treated me?

i hope i still pop up in his nightmares like he does in mine.

but he had such an awful life.

why can’t i be happy that he is finally doing good?

because he embarassed me but im a good person, I should be happy he has moved on.

but i haven’t.

I still think about him every day and it drives me insane.

im still so attached to every negative feeling he made me feel.

I can’t turn it off and i really want to

and he took every ounce of self esteem i ever had when i broke up with him

that isn’t fair

Wallflower status

13 Jan

I don’t like being at parties and looking like a loser in the corner of the room.

I can’t dance, and I don’t like to be drink. Being drunk is awesome, but getting there sucks.If I could dance, then all I would need would be music and I’d have an awesome time. If i was able to get drunk without worrying about getting home, then maybe perhaps nights like yesterday would be a welcomed hazy memory.

 

I went to some parties this weekend and while they were fun, my friends that I went with kind of just left me there to fend for myself.

You’re supposed to meet people at parties, right? You’re supposed to make conversations and dance around with strangers, but sadly I can’t do this very easily. Since no one bothers talking to me, I start getting all self conscious and begin thinking about shit like I’m not pretty enough to be graced with someones conversation. It’s a bit pathetic.

I guess this isn’t that important, but I do wish that somewhere along the lines I had picked up the ability of having fun at parties. 

I still want to go out, but it seems to me now that the idea of being in an overcrowded room with a bunch of people spilling vodka all over you is more fun than being in the actual situation.