Tag Archives: depression

Whoring out myself without the sex

1 Jan

I’ve been on Craigslist looking for odd jobs.

I have been looking forward to turning 21 for a while because I really want to donate my eggs for money.
I’m not wealthy, so I’d do many things for money.

Many thing as I’m very much willing to take part in science experiments for compensation.

Thing is, I’m clinically depressed and take meds to treat it.

SOOOO I’m not drug free.
I can’t apply for anything!
Just about every study asks for healthy, drug free females.
And apparently, in order to be a surrogate in the U.S., you have had to had at least one kid already.
WHYYY

USE MY BODY!
I have no need of it.

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You’re still ugly

30 Dec

okay im sad. Im like really confused while listening to former Mexican Sensation RBD.

“Bobby is doing good”
looks away
“he has a job and he’s always with his lady”
face burns

No wonder he hasn’t bothered me in a while.
“Yeah, his dick is occupied”

I knew he had a girlfriend
And I don’t think it’s jealousy. I don’t think its envy.
I dont know what it is

It’s like half of me is kind of hoping that he stays faithful and shown growth with his new relationship
but the other part wants him desperately to cheat on her like he cheated on me

Because I don’t think I deserved that
and maybe he likes her more than he ever liked me, which is why he won’t cheat on her.

But I was pretty.
And smart.

and maybe that girl is too, but he cheated on me.

he treated me like shit behind my back

I don’t like him and I kind of want him to be miserable because im miserable and im ugly and fucked up and I dont think im smart anymore and I hate it.

and the boy who made me hate myself every night is happy

the boy who made me cry because he chose to hang out with other girls is happy

and im not.

and i want to be happy

and i want to be pretty
and i want to turn back the clock and beg my fifteen year old self to not waste my time with him

I want to tell my fifteen year old self that I could do better.

but if i can do better, then why was i the one who got fucked up

I guess he has lived through enough misery for him to get some happiness. because his life really sucked.

but i tried to make him happy and i wasn’t good enough for that because he used me.

and i am so happy i got rid of his awful company but why didn’t he like me

and is he going to be kind to his new girlfriend?

is he going to regret how he treated me?

i hope i still pop up in his nightmares like he does in mine.

but he had such an awful life.

why can’t i be happy that he is finally doing good?

because he embarassed me but im a good person, I should be happy he has moved on.

but i haven’t.

I still think about him every day and it drives me insane.

im still so attached to every negative feeling he made me feel.

I can’t turn it off and i really want to

and he took every ounce of self esteem i ever had when i broke up with him

that isn’t fair

For Right Now, It’s more Than Enough

4 Apr

I used to pride myself in being an optimistic person. I was always looking for a way to have fun regardless of my situation. If someone came complaining about their trouble to me, I tried my hardest to make them believe that all hopes not lost.

 

I lost that recently. The past year and a half have been hell and for some parts of it, I had no idea if I wanted to even see a bright side. I liked it dark, even if it hurt.

 

I just began my new Quarter at UCLA and I am signed up for some classes that seem far more enjoyable than the ones I had last quarter.

Sadly, I failed two out of three classes last quarter.

I did get an A in the class that I did pass, but I don’t think anyone is going to be paying much attention to that.

Anyway, I can’t really do anything about my grades from Winter, so I am going to try and do better this time around.

 

That feels really good.

Just thinking that I want to try again makes me feel so much more than what I have been feeling.

 

I now know that I want to study English and Theatre and fuck you to whoever asks me what I want to do with an English degree because right now, I just want to graduate without drowning myself.

 

Spring shall be good to me. 

So there’s this chick, right

20 Mar

And I’ve known her since we were in the 7th grade although we never really talked that year. She was new to my class, since everybody in that class was part of a program that kept most kids in the same classes together. Anyway, she quickly became very popular because her personality was just so…LOUD. 

She also had a big butt.

During 7th grade, she had a lot of friends until one day she didn’t. I asked one of her former friends why everyone had stopped talking to her, and he told me that she kept stealing all her girlfriends boyfriend’s. 

She made new friends with some guys in the class, and they were my friends too. During the last two weeks of 7th grade, we became friends, and then we spent the summer doing whatever the hell 7th graders do during the summer. I’m sure my summer was spent on myspace. 

When we went back to 8th grade, we continued our friendship and we became very close. She began calling me her best friend. I don’t really remember exactly how we spent our time, but it was a lot of her chasing around boys and me tagging along for the ride. I really enjoyed her company, and she always acted like she enjoyed mine and we got along really well until she decided to go back to the friends that ditched her in 7th grade. 

She became very cold with me and ultimately told me that she didn’t want to hang out with me because I seemed uncomfortable with her new friends since I didn’t really belong with them.

Ouch.

I had other friends, so I didn’t stay sad for long. I think. No, I was devastated. I don’t really remember, but I do know that I had lots of amazing friends, which I have the honor of still calling my friends to this day.

 

A few weeks, or maybe months passed and she sent me a yahoo IM saying sorry and the following day at school, she showed me something Harry Potter related and we were once again BFF’s.

That’s how we spent the rest of Middle School, and then we went to the same High School and were still very close, but she got a new friend who was equally as boy crazy as she was. I liked her, and the three of us spent most of our lunches together. 

Summer came, and she didn’t try to hang out with me, but her new friend went to her house everyday because she needed someplace to wait for her parents to pick her up when they got out of work. 

They became closer, and I began hearing rumors that my name was starting to get a bad reputation because of my affiliation with them. They called me a “whore in training”. 

One of my friends said that I will never get a boyfriend because they will always steal them from me. 

For some reason, that was bad to me and I didn’t look for their company anymore. They got closer and closer, and I continued with my other friends. 

Then, I got a boyfriend.

This kid was nice, but he wasn’t cute. He was funny, but he wasn’t smart. He liked me, but not enough to hide his interest in everything with a skirt. 

My dear former friend has always gotten a lot of attention from guys. Almost every guy in the school knew her, and they all admitted at one point to like her, because she made it easy for them to like her.

Well, my stupid boyfriend decided he wanted to find out more about her so they became friends. Then they became good friends. Then, they started having conversations about sex and their insecurities and all that good shit behind my back.

I lost it. I was so mad at both of them, but I naively tried to push it back from my mind. 

Since that day, I have been jealous of the chick I used to call my best friend.

When she had a facebook, everything she would post would get like 100 likes and I was jealous. 

When she lost weight and fit into size 1 jeans, I was jealous.

Anything that she does that gets more attention that whatever I do is enough to make me jealous, so jealous that I often forget that a lot of the attention she gets is negative, and that almost every single person who was her friend at one point now hates her for valid reasons.

She admitted to being jealous of me too.

Thing is, during High School, I also became very close with the girl she became best friends with. When we graduated, we began hanging out even more and she stopped talking to my frienemy because “she is such a BITCH. She has a pretty face, but she is an ugly person. She has a nasty personality”.

 

She went MIA for a year(and by MIA i mean she got rid of her twitter, facebook, tumblr, and instagram), and now she is back on Instagram, rocking her skinny body that she probably purged her way to get (because thats how she lost weight the first time). 

She is back trying to get into the good graces of all my friends by complimenting their pictures and making plans to see them.

 

She is going after all of MY friends. She likes to do that. This is very much my paranoia talking, but I always suspected that she wanted to steal my friends and she has gotten close to some of them before, but they all love me so we stay as close while I ignore that fact that she is trying to get them to like her more. She usually gives up and moves on to other friends (that are also mine).

 

I am very jealous of her. She is really pretty. She is now skinny. She gets a lot of attention. She is doing great in school while I am contemplating whether or not I should kill myself every other night after I spend a night at the gym and looking at my failing grades. 

 

 

My main problem here is that I don’t know if I hate her as much as I think I do or if I really just want to be her friend again.

You know, when I used to think about attending college, I really didn’t picture it sucking this much.

23 Feb

I at least thought I would have been happy. 

 

I didn’t think I’d be taking anti-depressants, or failing classes. 

 

I thought I was going to like it. 

It’s official

25 Jan

I had a busy day today. I skipped work because I am sick with the flu, but I was running around campus to go to therapy sessions.

I went to two. I met a Therapist, and she referred me to a psychiatrist.

 

THye both agreed that I have been feeling the way I have been feeling for far too long. They both seemed worried about the things that I have been thinking about or dealing with.

In the middle of the meeting with the psychiatrist, she looked up from her notes and says 

“based on your symptoms, it seems like you are dealing with a major depression.”

 

There! Something IS wrong with me.

I am not just being a stupid over dramatic teenage. A professional just told me what I have been fearing for so long.

 

I am scheduled to go in for more therapy sessions and more psychiatry sessions as well. I will also begin taking antidepressants, beginning with very low doses.

 

This doesn’t really make me happier but now I feel like someone is going to try and help me out of this rut that I am in. I don’t know what I have to look forward to yet, but I guess I have someone to talk to now.

Yup

Take me to Therapy.

21 Dec

Sometimes I do wonder how bad exactly do I have to get to be helped.

 

I’ve said it before, I want to get help, but I don’t think anyone will see anything wrong with me.