Tag Archives: sex

Things I won’t tell my therapist.

15 May

Last week, a neighbor I’ve had sex with before tried to have sex with me.

He was beyond drunk, and I wasn’t.

We were right next to my room, and my roommates were in there sleeping.

They have no idea that I’ve ever hooked up with him before and I want to keep it that way because they hate him.

I saw him sitting down, smoking a cigarette alone in the hallway. I tried to say hello on my way back from the bathroom (which shares a wall with my room).

He motions me over and after I walk there apprehensively, he had me bend down to tell me something when  he puts his hand up my legs.

I stand up and kind of laugh it off and he stands up too and kisses me. I begin to freak out because I left the door open and I’m scared my roommates will hear us.

After a bit of back and forth attempts of communication, he motions to the restroom and I follow.

I kept trying to shush him up while in there, but he kept talking.

Once again, he starts kissing me and I tried making out with him, but I wasn’t into it.

He forced my shirt open, and my nipple piercing got caught on the material. Yeah, I started bleeding. He took off his underwear and took mine off and I kept covering myself with my hands because I didn’t want him to see me naked (even though he has before).

He kept telling me to look at “us” in the mirror. I guess he was hoping I’d find it cute.

I didn’t want to be there. He tried to convince me to have sex with him in my bed with my roommates sleeping in the room.

I asked for a condom. He didn’t have one.

Then he told me that it shouldnt matter whether he has a condom or not because we have done it without one before.

I tried to remind him that “No we always wore one.”

He said no, he has taken them off in the middle of it, and I must have known because the used condom would be in front of my face and since I never say anything, he assumed I didn’t care.

Sloppy drunk sex is so bad.

He asked me if I had a condom in my room.

Of course I have condoms, I am a fucking adult. I didn’t say I had one though because that would be implying I want to have sex with him. I didn’t want to.

He kept trying to mess around and I let him because I hoped that maybe he would be okay with just that.

He wasn’t.

I was getting scared because he wouldn’t get off. Finally, I was able to trick him into walking out the bathroom. He thought I was following him, but I just locked the door as soon as he got out and he spent a long time ordering me to let him in.

I stayed in there for like 30 minutes until I was sure he was gone.

I went to bed with a bloody boob.

Next morning, I see him at lunch time. I go up to him, and tell him he was really scary. Rape-y even. He says “yeah my bad, I was really fucked up”.

I turn around and walk back to my table.

I was really bothered by his comment. He doesn’t talk to me at all when we aren’t drinking. Like at all. He won’t even say hi.

He practically tried to rape me and I am sad that he isn’t attracted to me in real life.

He messaged me on facebook and I answered back.

I got really drunk and I was very upset that he was nowhere to be found.

I am so lonely that I am trying to get the attention of a guy who assaulted me.

I am insulted that he doesn’t want to attack me when we are sober.

I feel so pathetic for that.

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Whoring out myself without the sex

1 Jan

I’ve been on Craigslist looking for odd jobs.

I have been looking forward to turning 21 for a while because I really want to donate my eggs for money.
I’m not wealthy, so I’d do many things for money.

Many thing as I’m very much willing to take part in science experiments for compensation.

Thing is, I’m clinically depressed and take meds to treat it.

SOOOO I’m not drug free.
I can’t apply for anything!
Just about every study asks for healthy, drug free females.
And apparently, in order to be a surrogate in the U.S., you have had to had at least one kid already.
WHYYY

USE MY BODY!
I have no need of it.

I’m going to rant

22 Feb
One thing that really bothers me…

I’m going to complain about my love life a bit.

I have this thing where I like to whine about how I don’t like anyone and I’m not interested in anyone.

Whenever I do that, my friends are always quick to tell me that there are people that “like” me, but I have to give them a chance. 

I don’t think thats fair though.

I don’t think that because someone finds interest in me, that I HAVE to show interest back.

I like to do the chasing (which might be why I have little luck in the dating department). I don’t want to go out with someone just because they asked me out.

I want to be genuinly interested in them. I want to care about what they are going to day, and be comfortable enough that I won’t have to worry about yawning in the middle of a conversation.

I don’t know. I feel like people mistake my single status for desperateness.

I’m not saying there is anything wrong with the guys that like me, I just don’t feel like I owe them anything for doing so.

I’ve been called too picky, but really, I’m not. 

I think that wanting to go out with someone I am actually attracted too is not too much to ask, that’s all.

So there’s this boy right

19 Nov

ng I’ve ever seen in South Gate.

He is two years older, and went to the South East High School not South Gate, which I probably why we never met before this summer.

 

Anyway, I have this huge crush on him and all the friends that are also his friends are trying to hook me up with him, but because I’m a fucking idiot when it comes to this stuff, it isn’t going too well.

 

 

My friend read our text messages.

Apparently my respond to him texting “I’m so bored it huuurrrtttsss”

meant he wanted to hang out. Of course I didn’t ask him to hang out, but started talking about some other stupid shit. 

 

“You’re acting hard to get!”

 

But no, for this kid, I promise I will not act hard to get.

He can get it. 

He just needs to say when, and boom *drops panties*

I just want him. 

and apparently when he says “lets crash the party!!!!!!”

I just need to say yes, not say a really stupid story about how I egged the people who are throwing the party’s house.

 

I fucking told them I’m stupid with boys!!!

From that nightmare, I wake to guilt.

16 May

II hate my nightmares. They are hardly ever “monster” related nightmares, they always involve me in a very realistic situation surrounded by people I know, love and even hate.

Two days ago, a friend called me to tell me about how a former friend of mine (the one I’ve bitched about in another blog) woke up the day after a bunch of us went out in a party bus in a strangers car. Naked and alone. She had lost her phone and had to walk home.

Now, I really don’t like this girl, but at one point, she was my friend. When he told me that, all I wanted to do is run to her and give her a hug, but I’m not supposed to know anything, so that complicates things a little.

 

My friend played it off as she got “too rachet”. He made it seem like it was just another one of her crazy party nights, and apparently, in her mind, that’s all that it was. Just a really crazy night.

There is no doubt in my mind that this girl was raped. 

How can I help her?

This isn’t the first time this has happened to her. I remember when we were 14 year old 9th graders, she told me about how one of her “friends” forced himself on her. 

Anyway, my dream last night gave me a very clear realization that 3 of my friends experienced sex for the first time through rape.

 

Those friends have been very promiscuous and while, I think that that doesn’t have to be a bad thing, the fact that they are often crying to me about how much they regret their actions, or judging themselves harshly reminds me that they aren’t having sex with these kids and coming out of it feeling empowered.

 

I don’t know what to do right now.

I’ve known these girls since we were little, and I have known what they have gone through for years, but not until this morning did I realize the seriousness of it.

I feel guilty. I feel like I should have done more to help them when they first told me what they went through.

 

Now, I want to help them and erase all their inner wounds, but how do I even bring it up again when they refuse to talk about it and accept that what they went through, being forced into having sex, classify’s them as being victims of rape? 

 

 

I just want to help my friends, but I don’t know how.

If I could I would

10 May

There are so many cute boys in college and here I am, not having sex with any of them.

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Optimism is buy…

7 May

Optimism is buying cute panties even when I’m single as fuck.