Tag Archives: Therapy

Things I won’t tell my therapist.

15 May

Last week, a neighbor I’ve had sex with before tried to have sex with me.

He was beyond drunk, and I wasn’t.

We were right next to my room, and my roommates were in there sleeping.

They have no idea that I’ve ever hooked up with him before and I want to keep it that way because they hate him.

I saw him sitting down, smoking a cigarette alone in the hallway. I tried to say hello on my way back from the bathroom (which shares a wall with my room).

He motions me over and after I walk there apprehensively, he had me bend down to tell me something when  he puts his hand up my legs.

I stand up and kind of laugh it off and he stands up too and kisses me. I begin to freak out because I left the door open and I’m scared my roommates will hear us.

After a bit of back and forth attempts of communication, he motions to the restroom and I follow.

I kept trying to shush him up while in there, but he kept talking.

Once again, he starts kissing me and I tried making out with him, but I wasn’t into it.

He forced my shirt open, and my nipple piercing got caught on the material. Yeah, I started bleeding. He took off his underwear and took mine off and I kept covering myself with my hands because I didn’t want him to see me naked (even though he has before).

He kept telling me to look at “us” in the mirror. I guess he was hoping I’d find it cute.

I didn’t want to be there. He tried to convince me to have sex with him in my bed with my roommates sleeping in the room.

I asked for a condom. He didn’t have one.

Then he told me that it shouldnt matter whether he has a condom or not because we have done it without one before.

I tried to remind him that “No we always wore one.”

He said no, he has taken them off in the middle of it, and I must have known because the used condom would be in front of my face and since I never say anything, he assumed I didn’t care.

Sloppy drunk sex is so bad.

He asked me if I had a condom in my room.

Of course I have condoms, I am a fucking adult. I didn’t say I had one though because that would be implying I want to have sex with him. I didn’t want to.

He kept trying to mess around and I let him because I hoped that maybe he would be okay with just that.

He wasn’t.

I was getting scared because he wouldn’t get off. Finally, I was able to trick him into walking out the bathroom. He thought I was following him, but I just locked the door as soon as he got out and he spent a long time ordering me to let him in.

I stayed in there for like 30 minutes until I was sure he was gone.

I went to bed with a bloody boob.

Next morning, I see him at lunch time. I go up to him, and tell him he was really scary. Rape-y even. He says “yeah my bad, I was really fucked up”.

I turn around and walk back to my table.

I was really bothered by his comment. He doesn’t talk to me at all when we aren’t drinking. Like at all. He won’t even say hi.

He practically tried to rape me and I am sad that he isn’t attracted to me in real life.

He messaged me on facebook and I answered back.

I got really drunk and I was very upset that he was nowhere to be found.

I am so lonely that I am trying to get the attention of a guy who assaulted me.

I am insulted that he doesn’t want to attack me when we are sober.

I feel so pathetic for that.

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I went to Therapy today

4 Feb

I used this time to continue bitching about how I have no future and how much I hate when people ask me about school and what not. 

 

After about 20 minutes of this, my therapist said something that made me feel really good. I swear, as she was saying it, I could feel a knot in my stomach unravel.

 

She asked “Do you think there is any way you can try to give yourself permission to not know what is going to happen in the future? Can you allow yourself to just be here in the present?”

 

Yes. YesI think I can try. 

 

 

 

So since I’m getting help

28 Jan

I never realized how much time being productive will require. 

I have therapy meetings to go to in the morning (god, that sounds weird), I have class in the afternoons, and tutoring sessions in between all of these. I have work when I don’t have class, and I have swim practice or gym time for after these thigns finish.

I need to pass my classes this quarter. I need to loose a bit of weight as well. I need to make money, and I need to get in a better mind set.

I don’t want to work for any of this.

I know how bad that sounds, but if I’m being honest, you must know that I am tempted to say “fuck it” and just go back to laying on my comfy bed.

I really want to ignore everything.

I’m going to try not to though.

 

 

Take me to Therapy.

21 Dec

Sometimes I do wonder how bad exactly do I have to get to be helped.

 

I’ve said it before, I want to get help, but I don’t think anyone will see anything wrong with me.