unrequited

Maybe it is immature to not laugh at someone else’s rejection of my attention. I do not care about appearing grown when I am back to feeling inadequate again.

I am not going to pretend I’ve never been in this position, as I have risked my feelings for answers in the past.

At this point, I have used the scars that were caused by sharp, dreadful words as signs of strength and bravery when they could have just left behind bitterness I would want to share.

but among the tales of courage, I know there is still a doubting voice that knows I can’t help but be bitter and jealous of my failed attempts for affection.

never did I commit any chaos with my actions or personality. one would want that to be an indication of being a good person, and that type of person will also be inclined to believe that good things happen to good people. they cannot explain why I am still struggling to find someone who can return my warmth and wit. they say it does not make sense.

if they cannot make sense of their fate and mantras not coming true, why cannot they make sense of a vulnerable person taking someone’s disinterest of their being, into feeling the heaviness of inadequacies, rejection, and sadness?

is it too hard to believe one cannot stay strong when their imagination has filled their future with pretty pictures only to allow reality to change their views and leave fake nostalgia?

I don’t want to be mature about this. I want to let it hurt just a little.

Holy shit, I just wrote a play.

I’m taking another writing workshop and one of our finals assignments will be to create 2 ten minute one act plays.

I do believe i just finished one, and it’s barely week 2.

I love it. I just typed it out in an hour and It doesn’t have any stage directions yet, except for the very last ones, and it’s mainly the dialogue  but still, I finished it and I am completely in love with it and OHMYGOD.

I really really like. The teacher also promised us that at the end of the class, we will get to send our ten minute plays to actual play agencies and if we are lucky, we have the chance to get produced if the agencies like it.

I know I am looking way too into the future, but again, I really love it, and the idea just came to me in the shower and I can’t believe I wrote it all down and hopefully later on when I work on completing it, I will only like it more the closer I get to finishing it and HOLY SHIT I LOVE IT!

I really hope the teacher and class read it and don’t think it’s a piece of trash and only give me idea to tweak it a bit for the better, and not change the entire thing because I won’t let them because it’s mine and it’s a fucking GEM, just like my characters!

You’re a Gem, You’re a gem, yes you are. You’re beautiful, You know that right?