while i try not to fall asleep

I feel like I am too ugly to have sex and if that people hear that I do, they’ll be disgusted by it.

But the guy who almost raped me the other night clearly doesn’t mind being there when I’m drunk and stand next to him like I don’t know what I’m doing.

My roommate was mad when I didn’t tell her where I slept over or with whom. I am terrified of telling them and I feel like I owe it to myself to keeep this a secret. I have complained about coming off as a prude to people, but I kind of like not being talked about. I can have my fun and nobody will question my morals. I’m not even having too much fun anyway.

plus, i get envious when my friends talk about all the sex theryre having. I can do it!

I just wish this kid wasn’t so interesting. I honestly would never have started to even kiss him if I knew it would ruin any chance for a possible friendship. It’s not that I like him like him, I just think he’s so cool to listen to and his friends always seem to have fun around him. I’m not attracted to him, the time he almost attacked me in the restroom proved that. I only sleep with him because he was the only cute-ish guy that was also too drunk and really easy who asks me if I wanna go over.

Things I won’t tell my therapist.

Last week, a neighbor I’ve had sex with before tried to have sex with me.

He was beyond drunk, and I wasn’t.

We were right next to my room, and my roommates were in there sleeping.

They have no idea that I’ve ever hooked up with him before and I want to keep it that way because they hate him.

I saw him sitting down, smoking a cigarette alone in the hallway. I tried to say hello on my way back from the bathroom (which shares a wall with my room).

He motions me over and after I walk there apprehensively, he had me bend down to tell me something when  he puts his hand up my legs.

I stand up and kind of laugh it off and he stands up too and kisses me. I begin to freak out because I left the door open and I’m scared my roommates will hear us.

After a bit of back and forth attempts of communication, he motions to the restroom and I follow.

I kept trying to shush him up while in there, but he kept talking.

Once again, he starts kissing me and I tried making out with him, but I wasn’t into it.

He forced my shirt open, and my nipple piercing got caught on the material. Yeah, I started bleeding. He took off his underwear and took mine off and I kept covering myself with my hands because I didn’t want him to see me naked (even though he has before).

He kept telling me to look at “us” in the mirror. I guess he was hoping I’d find it cute.

I didn’t want to be there. He tried to convince me to have sex with him in my bed with my roommates sleeping in the room.

I asked for a condom. He didn’t have one.

Then he told me that it shouldnt matter whether he has a condom or not because we have done it without one before.

I tried to remind him that “No we always wore one.”

He said no, he has taken them off in the middle of it, and I must have known because the used condom would be in front of my face and since I never say anything, he assumed I didn’t care.

Sloppy drunk sex is so bad.

He asked me if I had a condom in my room.

Of course I have condoms, I am a fucking adult. I didn’t say I had one though because that would be implying I want to have sex with him. I didn’t want to.

He kept trying to mess around and I let him because I hoped that maybe he would be okay with just that.

He wasn’t.

I was getting scared because he wouldn’t get off. Finally, I was able to trick him into walking out the bathroom. He thought I was following him, but I just locked the door as soon as he got out and he spent a long time ordering me to let him in.

I stayed in there for like 30 minutes until I was sure he was gone.

I went to bed with a bloody boob.

Next morning, I see him at lunch time. I go up to him, and tell him he was really scary. Rape-y even. He says “yeah my bad, I was really fucked up”.

I turn around and walk back to my table.

I was really bothered by his comment. He doesn’t talk to me at all when we aren’t drinking. Like at all. He won’t even say hi.

He practically tried to rape me and I am sad that he isn’t attracted to me in real life.

He messaged me on facebook and I answered back.

I got really drunk and I was very upset that he was nowhere to be found.

I am so lonely that I am trying to get the attention of a guy who assaulted me.

I am insulted that he doesn’t want to attack me when we are sober.

I feel so pathetic for that.

What is worse

I allowed a nasty boy use his cigarette stained fingers to enter me just because he had done it before.

His breath smelled bad and I was not into it.

I locked myself in the bathroom until he finally stopped telling me to come out.

His excuse the next morning was that he was super fucked up and that it was his bad.

The only thing going through my head was that I felt insulted he needed to be drunk to want to touch me, even though drunk me is the only me that wants him.