So since I’m getting help

I never realized how much time being productive will require. 

I have therapy meetings to go to in the morning (god, that sounds weird), I have class in the afternoons, and tutoring sessions in between all of these. I have work when I don’t have class, and I have swim practice or gym time for after these thigns finish.

I need to pass my classes this quarter. I need to loose a bit of weight as well. I need to make money, and I need to get in a better mind set.

I don’t want to work for any of this.

I know how bad that sounds, but if I’m being honest, you must know that I am tempted to say “fuck it” and just go back to laying on my comfy bed.

I really want to ignore everything.

I’m going to try not to though.

 

 

It’s official

I had a busy day today. I skipped work because I am sick with the flu, but I was running around campus to go to therapy sessions.

I went to two. I met a Therapist, and she referred me to a psychiatrist.

 

THye both agreed that I have been feeling the way I have been feeling for far too long. They both seemed worried about the things that I have been thinking about or dealing with.

In the middle of the meeting with the psychiatrist, she looked up from her notes and says 

“based on your symptoms, it seems like you are dealing with a major depression.”

 

There! Something IS wrong with me.

I am not just being a stupid over dramatic teenage. A professional just told me what I have been fearing for so long.

 

I am scheduled to go in for more therapy sessions and more psychiatry sessions as well. I will also begin taking antidepressants, beginning with very low doses.

 

This doesn’t really make me happier but now I feel like someone is going to try and help me out of this rut that I am in. I don’t know what I have to look forward to yet, but I guess I have someone to talk to now.

Yup

Can I just hoe around for one night?

I just want to see if I’m good at it or if I even like it. I mean, I like to dress slutty, but I gained weight so I can’t do that anymore because I don’t feel comfortable, but I mean, can I just try it out?

I hate when people tell me that being a slut is easy. How the fuck is it easy? If a guy tries to hit on me, I usually go “Eww.” and run away. I can’t just mess around with a random guy I don’t like. I’d feel icky. Plus, I can’t even share straws with people unless I absolutely have to. How the fuck am I expected to casually exchange saliva with a person I’m not attracted to (let alone other bodily fluids).

And this is assuming IF a guy wants to ask me out. Getting asked out is hard as fuck too! Again, I hear, “But you’re a girl! A girl can get any guy she wants”. Um, no, I really can’t. That doesn’t happen. I don’t get hit on a lot. The most I get is a freaking car horn from time to time, but I mean, whose to say that it is actually meant for me, you know?

I also hear the “you have to go after them too” and HA. HA. HA. HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA! Yeah right, like I’d ever ask a guy out. He’ll reject me, and I’m scared of rejection. Thats why I’ve never asked anyone out. I can bat my eyelashes and giggle, but thats as far as I’d go without having an panic attack and running away.

I run away often.

This being a slut thing is exhausting. If you’re good at it, my hats off to you, because there is no way I could ever pull it off.

Cunt again? It …

Cunt again? It was odd how men … used that word to demean women when it was the only part of a woman they valued.

 

Asha Greyjoy, A Dance With Dragons

Holy shit, I just wrote a play.

I’m taking another writing workshop and one of our finals assignments will be to create 2 ten minute one act plays.

I do believe i just finished one, and it’s barely week 2.

I love it. I just typed it out in an hour and It doesn’t have any stage directions yet, except for the very last ones, and it’s mainly the dialogue  but still, I finished it and I am completely in love with it and OHMYGOD.

I really really like. The teacher also promised us that at the end of the class, we will get to send our ten minute plays to actual play agencies and if we are lucky, we have the chance to get produced if the agencies like it.

I know I am looking way too into the future, but again, I really love it, and the idea just came to me in the shower and I can’t believe I wrote it all down and hopefully later on when I work on completing it, I will only like it more the closer I get to finishing it and HOLY SHIT I LOVE IT!

I really hope the teacher and class read it and don’t think it’s a piece of trash and only give me idea to tweak it a bit for the better, and not change the entire thing because I won’t let them because it’s mine and it’s a fucking GEM, just like my characters!

You’re a Gem, You’re a gem, yes you are. You’re beautiful, You know that right? 

Even if they’re lying

I’ve come to a point in my young life where I understand that I need to start doing things that are sensible. 

I hate that.

Especially when it comes to thinking about my future.

I am in college right now and as much as I would like to only take the classes that sound interesting to me, I can’t because I have to choose a goddamn major already.

 

Once I choose that major, I can then take classes that are required to fulfill that major, and I better hope that I have enough time to do it!

 

Studying at a University isn’t what I thought it would be.

I know that education is supposed to be the main key to achieving your dreams and what not, but it’s a fucking night mare now because I feel like my dreams are being compressed into a do or die 4 year challenge.

If I fail at one thing, I’m fucked.

I can’t even dream as big anymore because, again, it isn’t sensible anymore.

What do I want to do? Really, I would absolutely love to be an Oscar winning actress and wear pretty dresses and afford to buy my parents houses, but I don’t really have any talent that I know of, so I can’t really plan for that happening.

 

If I wanted to become an English major in hopes of becoming a writer or something, the first thing people will ask me would be “How are you going to get a job?”

Can I be a plastic surgeon? I am awful at math and science and my GPA is shit, so I really don’t know how the heck I’m supposed to go to Medical school, but can I become a Doctor, please?

I really want to, but as sensible as that job sounds, I’ve fucked up in school, and because I’ve fucked up, I am super lost.

 

I just want to get a good job. I want to make good money. I don’t want to feel stupid while I’m at school anymore.

 

 

I don’t want to be sensible. I want to have people telling me that I could become anything I want to become again.

Wallflower status

I don’t like being at parties and looking like a loser in the corner of the room.

I can’t dance, and I don’t like to be drink. Being drunk is awesome, but getting there sucks.If I could dance, then all I would need would be music and I’d have an awesome time. If i was able to get drunk without worrying about getting home, then maybe perhaps nights like yesterday would be a welcomed hazy memory.

 

I went to some parties this weekend and while they were fun, my friends that I went with kind of just left me there to fend for myself.

You’re supposed to meet people at parties, right? You’re supposed to make conversations and dance around with strangers, but sadly I can’t do this very easily. Since no one bothers talking to me, I start getting all self conscious and begin thinking about shit like I’m not pretty enough to be graced with someones conversation. It’s a bit pathetic.

I guess this isn’t that important, but I do wish that somewhere along the lines I had picked up the ability of having fun at parties. 

I still want to go out, but it seems to me now that the idea of being in an overcrowded room with a bunch of people spilling vodka all over you is more fun than being in the actual situation.

 

All pride aside…

I met up with my ex-boyfriend this morning.

To give you a bit of a backstory, I was his girlfriend for 2 years and 8 months. He is two years older than me, and we broke up last December for many reasons, but it was my decision.

To say his home life is fucked up would be an understatement. During our time together, he told me some things about his past problems, and as time went on, it became clear just how much those problems had affected him in the present.

He cheated on me several times, and I never really found out but I always suspected.

I don’t know exactly what did it, but at one point he stopped with his bullshit and actually fell in love with me.

It was too late for me and fast forward some time, I ended up calling it quits. He would still talk to me and I wouldn’t mind until he became very rude and mean online.

He put up vile things on his Facebook and Twitter in attempt to hurt me, so I ended all communication with him, and that’s how it remained for the entire year of 2012.

Today was awful.

I felt awkward and uncomfortable. I couldn’t even look at him. I spent most of my time with my arms and legs crossed, staring at the floor.

I had thought that he had something he wanted to tell me, but instead he fessed up to just wanting to see me, which really pissed me off.

I didn’t want to see him for fun. The only reason I agreed to seeing him was because I got tired of avoiding him or running away from him. I don’t want to talk to him, I don’t want to see him, but running away seems awfully immature, and it’s just bullshit from my part.

He was pretty calm. He asked me questions and I could tell he wanted me to ask him those questions back but I refused to give him the pleasure of asking. That was mean.

I didn’t really get anything out of it. I doubt he did either, since I was being a bitch. I seriously looked like I was taken hostage, but I agreed to meet him there, so I should have been more mature about the situation.

I really wanted to cry. It sucked. I hate feeling such an anger toward someone who used to be my favorite person. I hate that I want to hurt his feelings. Yes, he was a dick, but he was a young kid, and he has apologized for it. I know that I never want a relationship with him, but I don’t think that justifies me being so rude.

I can tell that he is going through a lot of shit. His friends tell me that he is troubled still and his family is vicious with him. I want to want to help him, but I can’t anymore because I just remember crying in my stupid shower after seeing flirty online messages to other girls. That’s bullshit isn’t it? It sounds so childish and petty, but it still hurts.

He probably isn’t the same way, and maybe he does need someone to support him. He looks so broken now and all he wants is to be able to have a conversation with me, and I can’t give him that. I know he misses me and I know that he really wants to be able to crack a few jokes or have me at least say hello.

I can’t.

I hate this. I hate how I can’t care for him anymore. I can’t sit next to him, and before, he was the only person I wanted to spend my time with.

All big talk aside, I did love him. I was never in love with him, but I did love him and care about his well being and yes, it fucking sucks that I can’t talk.

A few months ago, he asked me where did all my affection for him go. I wish I knew.

I wish I can hug him and tell him that everything is going to be okay, but I don’t even want to ask him how his day was.

I’m a mess right now.

The worst part is that I can’t talk to my friends about this because they hate him for his bullshit, which I understand, but I want to vent without being  judged. I can hear them say “Just ignore him”. I’ve put up this “strong” face for them, but I’m so sad right now.

Why am I so mean?

but when i dream of who we were i slip away

and if you love me like you say
take this book and burn the page

But Yes, They Know My Name

I went to a party last night to celebrate the New Year.

I actually went to two of them, but my ex-boyfriend walked in on the first one so I scrammed. I was planning on leaving early anyway, I just wish I could have left a little more gracefully. I actually liked and had been missing most of the people that were there, but I ran away instead of giving everybody a hug and a kiss because I am really that petty and immature 🙂

 

Anyway, after I left that kickback, I went with a crazy friend to another get-together. I switched my bright orange lipstick with my super dark-almost-black red lipstick (this is important for you to know just because I really like lipstick) and arrived at a backyard filled with boys playing beer pong. 

I was the youngest at the first kickback, everyone else was around 21-23. Everyone at the second party was my around my age (19). Believe it or not, those couple of years do make a difference, even if only to me.

My friend and I weren’t the only chicks there, but the rest were huddled inside the house for warmth, so we felt like we were.

After probably the least dramatic countdown I have ever been a part of, I began chatting with a bunch of the guys there. 

One knew my name and called me out on not following him back on twitter. I knew his name at this point, but for the life of me, I could not recall when he had learned mine. 

He was speaking to me as if we were at least close acquaintances, and I began to feel incredibly guilty. 

I’m always bitching about how people don’t know me at all apart from my friends, but here was a kid who knew enough about me and liked me enough to follow me on a social networking site. 

My guess was that I met him when I was really drunk, which shames me to such an incredible degree, and makes me want to never drink again. I’m not even 21 yet, so that sucks, but so does puking in front of a bunch of people.

After that, I shamelessly flirted with some friend I met at the start of 2012. 

He is really nice, and I don’t really have any strong feelings for him because I seldom see him, but he tries to be cool around me and he always ends up doing something dorky and I can’t help but feel flattered for his effort. 

 

It’s really weird getting used to new people. Everyone has a different group they belong too and I keep expanding my circles with people I once went to High School with. 

It really is stupid and a bit pathetic that I’m doing this now instead of when I was actually going to high school with them, but just because I didn’t meet them at my fancy pants University doesn’t mean that they aren’t fun kids.

 

Everyone got drunk and I just got colder and colder so I called my mother to pick me up, but not before blowing hookah smoke in the guy’s (who I spent the night shamelessly flirting with) face. I guess I do stupid things too when I’m trying to impress someone.

 

Happy New Year.

The parties sucked.