Archive | January, 2013

So since I’m getting help

28 Jan

I never realized how much time being productive will require. 

I have therapy meetings to go to in the morning (god, that sounds weird), I have class in the afternoons, and tutoring sessions in between all of these. I have work when I don’t have class, and I have swim practice or gym time for after these thigns finish.

I need to pass my classes this quarter. I need to loose a bit of weight as well. I need to make money, and I need to get in a better mind set.

I don’t want to work for any of this.

I know how bad that sounds, but if I’m being honest, you must know that I am tempted to say “fuck it” and just go back to laying on my comfy bed.

I really want to ignore everything.

I’m going to try not to though.




It’s official

25 Jan

I had a busy day today. I skipped work because I am sick with the flu, but I was running around campus to go to therapy sessions.

I went to two. I met a Therapist, and she referred me to a psychiatrist.


THye both agreed that I have been feeling the way I have been feeling for far too long. They both seemed worried about the things that I have been thinking about or dealing with.

In the middle of the meeting with the psychiatrist, she looked up from her notes and says 

“based on your symptoms, it seems like you are dealing with a major depression.”


There! Something IS wrong with me.

I am not just being a stupid over dramatic teenage. A professional just told me what I have been fearing for so long.


I am scheduled to go in for more therapy sessions and more psychiatry sessions as well. I will also begin taking antidepressants, beginning with very low doses.


This doesn’t really make me happier but now I feel like someone is going to try and help me out of this rut that I am in. I don’t know what I have to look forward to yet, but I guess I have someone to talk to now.


Can I just hoe around for one night?

20 Jan


I just want to see if I’m good at it or if I even like it. I mean, I like to dress slutty, but I gained weight so I can’t do that anymore because I don’t feel comfortable, but I mean, can I just try it out?

I hate when people tell me that being a slut is easy. How the fuck is it easy? If a guy tries to hit on me, I usually go “Eww.” and run away. I can’t just mess around with a random guy I don’t like. I’d feel icky. Plus, I can’t even share straws with people unless I absolutely have to. How the fuck am I expected to casually exchange saliva with a person I’m not attracted to (let alone other bodily fluids).

And this is assuming IF a guy wants to ask me out. Getting asked out is hard as fuck too! Again, I hear, “But you’re a girl! A girl can get any guy she wants”. Um, no, I really can’t. That doesn’t happen. I don’t get hit on a lot. The most I get is a freaking car horn from time to time, but I mean, whose to say that it is actually meant for me, you know?

I also hear the “you have to go after them too” and HA. HA. HA. HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA! Yeah right, like I’d ever ask a guy out. He’ll reject me, and I’m scared of rejection. Thats why I’ve never asked anyone out. I can bat my eyelashes and giggle, but thats as far as I’d go without having an panic attack and running away.

I run away often.

This being a slut thing is exhausting. If you’re good at it, my hats off to you, because there is no way I could ever pull it off.


Cunt again? It …

15 Jan

Cunt again? It was odd how men … used that word to demean women when it was the only part of a woman they valued.


  Asha Greyjoy, A Dance With Dragons 

Holy shit, I just wrote a play.

15 Jan

I’m taking another writing workshop and one of our finals assignments will be to create 2 ten minute one act plays.

I do believe i just finished one, and it’s barely week 2.

I love it. I just typed it out in an hour and It doesn’t have any stage directions yet, except for the very last ones, and it’s mainly the dialogue  but still, I finished it and I am completely in love with it and OHMYGOD.

I really really like. The teacher also promised us that at the end of the class, we will get to send our ten minute plays to actual play agencies and if we are lucky, we have the chance to get produced if the agencies like it.

I know I am looking way too into the future, but again, I really love it, and the idea just came to me in the shower and I can’t believe I wrote it all down and hopefully later on when I work on completing it, I will only like it more the closer I get to finishing it and HOLY SHIT I LOVE IT!

I really hope the teacher and class read it and don’t think it’s a piece of trash and only give me idea to tweak it a bit for the better, and not change the entire thing because I won’t let them because it’s mine and it’s a fucking GEM, just like my characters!

You’re a Gem, You’re a gem, yes you are. You’re beautiful, You know that right? 

Even if they’re lying

14 Jan

I’ve come to a point in my young life where I understand that I need to start doing things that are sensible. 

I hate that.

Especially when it comes to thinking about my future.

I am in college right now and as much as I would like to only take the classes that sound interesting to me, I can’t because I have to choose a goddamn major already.


Once I choose that major, I can then take classes that are required to fulfill that major, and I better hope that I have enough time to do it!


Studying at a University isn’t what I thought it would be.

I know that education is supposed to be the main key to achieving your dreams and what not, but it’s a fucking night mare now because I feel like my dreams are being compressed into a do or die 4 year challenge.

If I fail at one thing, I’m fucked.

I can’t even dream as big anymore because, again, it isn’t sensible anymore.

What do I want to do? Really, I would absolutely love to be an Oscar winning actress and wear pretty dresses and afford to buy my parents houses, but I don’t really have any talent that I know of, so I can’t really plan for that happening.


If I wanted to become an English major in hopes of becoming a writer or something, the first thing people will ask me would be “How are you going to get a job?”

Can I be a plastic surgeon? I am awful at math and science and my GPA is shit, so I really don’t know how the heck I’m supposed to go to Medical school, but can I become a Doctor, please?

I really want to, but as sensible as that job sounds, I’ve fucked up in school, and because I’ve fucked up, I am super lost.


I just want to get a good job. I want to make good money. I don’t want to feel stupid while I’m at school anymore.



I don’t want to be sensible. I want to have people telling me that I could become anything I want to become again.

Wallflower status

13 Jan

I don’t like being at parties and looking like a loser in the corner of the room.

I can’t dance, and I don’t like to be drink. Being drunk is awesome, but getting there sucks.If I could dance, then all I would need would be music and I’d have an awesome time. If i was able to get drunk without worrying about getting home, then maybe perhaps nights like yesterday would be a welcomed hazy memory.


I went to some parties this weekend and while they were fun, my friends that I went with kind of just left me there to fend for myself.

You’re supposed to meet people at parties, right? You’re supposed to make conversations and dance around with strangers, but sadly I can’t do this very easily. Since no one bothers talking to me, I start getting all self conscious and begin thinking about shit like I’m not pretty enough to be graced with someones conversation. It’s a bit pathetic.

I guess this isn’t that important, but I do wish that somewhere along the lines I had picked up the ability of having fun at parties. 

I still want to go out, but it seems to me now that the idea of being in an overcrowded room with a bunch of people spilling vodka all over you is more fun than being in the actual situation.