unrequited

Maybe it is immature to not laugh at someone else’s rejection of my attention. I do not care about appearing grown when I am back to feeling inadequate again.

I am not going to pretend I’ve never been in this position, as I have risked my feelings for answers in the past.

At this point, I have used the scars that were caused by sharp, dreadful words as signs of strength and bravery when they could have just left behind bitterness I would want to share.

but among the tales of courage, I know there is still a doubting voice that knows I can’t help but be bitter and jealous of my failed attempts for affection.

never did I commit any chaos with my actions or personality. one would want that to be an indication of being a good person, and that type of person will also be inclined to believe that good things happen to good people. they cannot explain why I am still struggling to find someone who can return my warmth and wit. they say it does not make sense.

if they cannot make sense of their fate and mantras not coming true, why cannot they make sense of a vulnerable person taking someone’s disinterest of their being, into feeling the heaviness of inadequacies, rejection, and sadness?

is it too hard to believe one cannot stay strong when their imagination has filled their future with pretty pictures only to allow reality to change their views and leave fake nostalgia?

I don’t want to be mature about this. I want to let it hurt just a little.

Something wrong

There is something wrong in trying to sleep with the guy who would have raped me if there was no door to close on his face.

There is something wrong in trying to defend him after that happened.

We are just two lonely people using each other because we can keep a secret.

He is in love with his best friend who seems to be completely ignoring his affections.

I am in love with no one.

I should be running away from him because of what he tried to do, but instead I’m running for condoms whenever he asks to go somewhere that has a working lock in the door.

while i try not to fall asleep

I feel like I am too ugly to have sex and if that people hear that I do, they’ll be disgusted by it.

But the guy who almost raped me the other night clearly doesn’t mind being there when I’m drunk and stand next to him like I don’t know what I’m doing.

My roommate was mad when I didn’t tell her where I slept over or with whom. I am terrified of telling them and I feel like I owe it to myself to keeep this a secret. I have complained about coming off as a prude to people, but I kind of like not being talked about. I can have my fun and nobody will question my morals. I’m not even having too much fun anyway.

plus, i get envious when my friends talk about all the sex theryre having. I can do it!

I just wish this kid wasn’t so interesting. I honestly would never have started to even kiss him if I knew it would ruin any chance for a possible friendship. It’s not that I like him like him, I just think he’s so cool to listen to and his friends always seem to have fun around him. I’m not attracted to him, the time he almost attacked me in the restroom proved that. I only sleep with him because he was the only cute-ish guy that was also too drunk and really easy who asks me if I wanna go over.

Things I won’t tell my therapist.

Last week, a neighbor I’ve had sex with before tried to have sex with me.

He was beyond drunk, and I wasn’t.

We were right next to my room, and my roommates were in there sleeping.

They have no idea that I’ve ever hooked up with him before and I want to keep it that way because they hate him.

I saw him sitting down, smoking a cigarette alone in the hallway. I tried to say hello on my way back from the bathroom (which shares a wall with my room).

He motions me over and after I walk there apprehensively, he had me bend down to tell me something when  he puts his hand up my legs.

I stand up and kind of laugh it off and he stands up too and kisses me. I begin to freak out because I left the door open and I’m scared my roommates will hear us.

After a bit of back and forth attempts of communication, he motions to the restroom and I follow.

I kept trying to shush him up while in there, but he kept talking.

Once again, he starts kissing me and I tried making out with him, but I wasn’t into it.

He forced my shirt open, and my nipple piercing got caught on the material. Yeah, I started bleeding. He took off his underwear and took mine off and I kept covering myself with my hands because I didn’t want him to see me naked (even though he has before).

He kept telling me to look at “us” in the mirror. I guess he was hoping I’d find it cute.

I didn’t want to be there. He tried to convince me to have sex with him in my bed with my roommates sleeping in the room.

I asked for a condom. He didn’t have one.

Then he told me that it shouldnt matter whether he has a condom or not because we have done it without one before.

I tried to remind him that “No we always wore one.”

He said no, he has taken them off in the middle of it, and I must have known because the used condom would be in front of my face and since I never say anything, he assumed I didn’t care.

Sloppy drunk sex is so bad.

He asked me if I had a condom in my room.

Of course I have condoms, I am a fucking adult. I didn’t say I had one though because that would be implying I want to have sex with him. I didn’t want to.

He kept trying to mess around and I let him because I hoped that maybe he would be okay with just that.

He wasn’t.

I was getting scared because he wouldn’t get off. Finally, I was able to trick him into walking out the bathroom. He thought I was following him, but I just locked the door as soon as he got out and he spent a long time ordering me to let him in.

I stayed in there for like 30 minutes until I was sure he was gone.

I went to bed with a bloody boob.

Next morning, I see him at lunch time. I go up to him, and tell him he was really scary. Rape-y even. He says “yeah my bad, I was really fucked up”.

I turn around and walk back to my table.

I was really bothered by his comment. He doesn’t talk to me at all when we aren’t drinking. Like at all. He won’t even say hi.

He practically tried to rape me and I am sad that he isn’t attracted to me in real life.

He messaged me on facebook and I answered back.

I got really drunk and I was very upset that he was nowhere to be found.

I am so lonely that I am trying to get the attention of a guy who assaulted me.

I am insulted that he doesn’t want to attack me when we are sober.

I feel so pathetic for that.

What is worse

I allowed a nasty boy use his cigarette stained fingers to enter me just because he had done it before.

His breath smelled bad and I was not into it.

I locked myself in the bathroom until he finally stopped telling me to come out.

His excuse the next morning was that he was super fucked up and that it was his bad.

The only thing going through my head was that I felt insulted he needed to be drunk to want to touch me, even though drunk me is the only me that wants him.

Haiku about Every Boy I’ve Kissed So Far

 

1) You were a dare but

I still smile when I think of

you. We were thirteen.

 

2) I kissed you just to

fit in with the cool girls and

because you were nice.

 

3) I’m pretty sure I

loved your skateboard more than I

could ever like you.

 

4) You drained my color

I’m getting it back by bits.

You are an asshole.

 

5) I will never be

into guys with Jordans. You’re

a funny friend though.

 

6) I only let you

kiss me because I thought then

you would  disappear .

 

7) I was happy to

be another conquest of

your thick loud accent.

8)You looked like a god

too bad you fucked like a slob

take my number though

 

9)I was lonely when

you said “please stay”. Then you shut

the door on my face.

All the boys I’ve kissed so far (not in Haiku)

1) You were just a dare but I still smile when I think of you.

2) I kissed you just to fit in with the cool girls and because you were nice about it.

3) I’m pretty sure I loved your skateboard more than I could have ever liked you.

4) You drained me of every ounce of confidence I had. I’m still trying to get it back, Asshole.

5) I was never into guys with Jordans. You are a funny friend though.

6) I only kissed back because I thought I was never going to see you again.

7) I was happy to be another conquest because I liked your smile and your Russian accent.

8) You looked like an Angel, too bad you fucked like a slob.

9) I was lonely when you asked me to stay. After, you slammed the door on my face. It must be another one of your vices.

Relax dick

The kid I have a crush on keeps avoiding me like the fucking plague.

I don’t even talk to him, but he seems to always start turning away from wherever I am or walking past me like I’m not there.
It makes me feel like shit.
He doesn’t like me, I respect that. I’ve never done anything inappropriate to him (besides putting his face on Nicki minajs body), I don’t go up to him and give him a hug, or ask him a billion questions or anything.

It hurts my feelings that he acts like I have the fucking cooties.

I am going to try to stop wishing he would talk to me, because obviously he doesn’t want that.

And that’s fine, I really don’t want him to be uncomfortable. I won’t bother him, especially in front of his friends so he doesn’t have to worry about them laughing because the weird girl likes him.

How dramatic, I don’t need to be treated like a creep.

Another one bites the dust.

and yet another dead boy.

Whoring out myself without the sex

I’ve been on Craigslist looking for odd jobs.

I have been looking forward to turning 21 for a while because I really want to donate my eggs for money.
I’m not wealthy, so I’d do many things for money.

Many thing as I’m very much willing to take part in science experiments for compensation.

Thing is, I’m clinically depressed and take meds to treat it.

SOOOO I’m not drug free.
I can’t apply for anything!
Just about every study asks for healthy, drug free females.
And apparently, in order to be a surrogate in the U.S., you have had to had at least one kid already.
WHYYY

USE MY BODY!
I have no need of it.

You’re still ugly

okay im sad. Im like really confused while listening to former Mexican Sensation RBD.

“Bobby is doing good”
looks away
“he has a job and he’s always with his lady”
face burns

No wonder he hasn’t bothered me in a while.
“Yeah, his dick is occupied”

I knew he had a girlfriend
And I don’t think it’s jealousy. I don’t think its envy.
I dont know what it is

It’s like half of me is kind of hoping that he stays faithful and shown growth with his new relationship
but the other part wants him desperately to cheat on her like he cheated on me

Because I don’t think I deserved that
and maybe he likes her more than he ever liked me, which is why he won’t cheat on her.

But I was pretty.
And smart.

and maybe that girl is too, but he cheated on me.

he treated me like shit behind my back

I don’t like him and I kind of want him to be miserable because im miserable and im ugly and fucked up and I dont think im smart anymore and I hate it.

and the boy who made me hate myself every night is happy

the boy who made me cry because he chose to hang out with other girls is happy

and im not.

and i want to be happy

and i want to be pretty
and i want to turn back the clock and beg my fifteen year old self to not waste my time with him

I want to tell my fifteen year old self that I could do better.

but if i can do better, then why was i the one who got fucked up

I guess he has lived through enough misery for him to get some happiness. because his life really sucked.

but i tried to make him happy and i wasn’t good enough for that because he used me.

and i am so happy i got rid of his awful company but why didn’t he like me

and is he going to be kind to his new girlfriend?

is he going to regret how he treated me?

i hope i still pop up in his nightmares like he does in mine.

but he had such an awful life.

why can’t i be happy that he is finally doing good?

because he embarassed me but im a good person, I should be happy he has moved on.

but i haven’t.

I still think about him every day and it drives me insane.

im still so attached to every negative feeling he made me feel.

I can’t turn it off and i really want to

and he took every ounce of self esteem i ever had when i broke up with him

that isn’t fair